An Essay on Female Subconscious Miswriting Theory Manifestations

Hace un par de días, mientras revisaba mis documentos, me encontré con un ensayo que Doktor Faust escribió hace dos años, a propósito de una carta que el perverso Georg (que aparece como "Jorge" en el texto) recibió de una amiga suya. Esta amiga, cuyo nombre ha sido cambiado por razones de privacidad, siempre ha sido un enigma para nosotros (El trío: El perverso Georg, el Prof. Thinmar y yo), y por lo tanto la mandamos a Doktor Faust para que nos hiciera el favor de analizarla. Él, por supuesto, lo tomó a broma, y nos devolvió la carta con la pieza que aparece a continuación en su idioma original y con nombres supuestos. La carta de Tina hace referencia a otra persona, que recibió de un millonario una beca, y desea sus datos para ponerse en contacto con ella y tratar de obtener el mismo beneficio. El Prof. Thinmar aparece en el texto como "Gustavo" y "Sam", como es de esperarse, soy yo mismo. Espero que lo disfruten.

First, I have to apologize because of my taking so long in writing this much announced essay. There's of course a reason for this, but it's a little hard to explain the right way. Let's say I was on a research trip that took me to a nice looking place called Ciudad Universitaria, in Mexico City. I was looking for a very specific girl type that can only be found in the aforementioned environment and, by all means, I was not disappointed, because in my first day in the field I ran into a superb specimen ready to be studied. The problem was that at the end of the investigation I realized that my research notes were lost. This of course is a hell of a setback, because I rely totally on those notes in the writing of my second PhD. dissertation, and I am therefore eager to retrieve them. And I will in due time, I mean... because I've got to find out what happened to my wallet, my watch and my gold-monogrammed pajamas first.
Anyway. Before we go on I have to make three very important statements:
First; I am not a Freudian analyst, even though the old goat-bearded Jew motherfucker was right almost all the time. I don't know, I guess the poor Austrian bastard cramps my style a little or something, you know. Second; I'm not actually an analyst, but a philosopher in the tradition of Aristotle. This, as you can imagine, sometimes gets me in trouble, as when I wrote the paper demonstrating that Lucerito is still a virgin even when she is pregnant of her second baby. And third; being a philosopher is a lot better than being an analyst simply because you don't work in a damn couch, but in a bed instead, which is a lot more comfortable when coming to deep research.
In the second letter written by Tina, we find examples of what I call Female Subconscious Miswriting, so named after Dr. Freud's famous theory of "creative wrong utterances". This last theory is a very simple one, and it is based on the idea that, in daily life, even the tiniest mistake of pronunciation can be traced down to the innermost layers of the unconscious mind.
For instance, a few days ago frau Ute Rosenkranz came to see me. She told me that on his younger son's Bar Mistvah's dinner, she was telling the story of "The little Prince"; and all of a sudden, when she came to the part in which the Prince meets the fox, frau Rosenkranz said "Fuss" (foot) when she meant "Fuchs" (fox). Without knowing why, after the innocent mistake frau Rosenkranz began to feel more and more upset, she blushed, sweated profusely and, finally, wept bitterly while those around her watched in astonishment.
Even for a layman, it is clear that the words Fuss and Fuchs are painfully related inside frau Rosenkraz' mind, but, to be honest, I was too tired at the moment to go into it. I charged the old dirty Jew bitch a hundred marks just for listening to her creepy tale, and send her home.
Something very much alike occurs when a passionate woman types in a computer or a typewriter keyboard, and due to the second plane operations of the unconscious strikes a "wrong" key. Of course it is not a wrong key at all, but the manifestations of a troubled mind that is fighting for its expression, even against the iron hard oppression of the Self. There are occasions when the key wrongly stroked is the one next to the desired key, and in those cases the probability of a real accident is greater; however, we'll try to select examples in which keys standing very well apart from each other are involved.
I will bypass things already discussed, as the possessive tones in which Tina’s letters are written and her confidence in Jorge's capacity to arrange concerts dates at her will. The first sentence in which we see an apparently mistake is "Gustavo es un chismosos" and could be translated into "Gustavo are a liar". Why is she talking as if there were more than one person in relation to a single noun? It's simple: she is trying to imply (without knowing it! Please, be noted the unwillingness of all these actions) that there’s more than one liar; and it's because she is thinking in the third member of the trío: Sam. In her deep distress, her intimate life being threatened or -in other words- spied upon by one member of the trío, she sets herself up to smear the honor and good name of the rest of them: “Gustavo AND SAM, are a fucking couple of dirty peeping Toms and liars.”
Then, she writes: Mucho me ayudaría que me pongas ne comntacto con la chava usw. ("usw" is the way we Germans say etcétera, it means "und so weiter"). Well, at this point things get a lot rougher, and a very smart analyst is needed to reach the true meaning of the underlying relations. Unfortunately, there's none at hand, and so I'll give you my opinion.
Tina wants to be put in touch with a person that was capable to juice a millionaire for a scholarship (she writes "scholarshipd" , word that bears close resemblance to "Scholar shipped" or a "maestro (en) barco". Deep inside herself, Tina wants to get a degree without studying) but writes "ne" instead of "en" and "comn" instead of "con". "Ne" seems to be "ni", and that, in turn, seems to be "sí". On the other hand, "comn" seems to be "cómo no"; and so we see that, in the middle of the whole text, Tina expresses her doubts about the "millionaire that gives a scholarship just like that" story, and says "sí, cómo no", implying that the unnamed girl actually got the money having sexual intercourse with the millionaire, who -by the way- it's a known sexual pervert. The thing is, Tina doesn't seem bothered at all, and even wants to try her luck. Who know what a woman wants?
The last example is an invitation. She writes: "Hablame si quieres..." when she meant "hablame, si quieres." The use of dots and the omission of the comma gives to the sentence the value of an invitation to have something that is known, but cannot be said. That something could be having tea together, or could be something more sharp and audacious. I will contact with the other member of the trío to obtain further information.
Remember: in dealing with women never, NEVER take something for granted.

Doktor Faust, 2004.